Hello readers!
I know this comes late, but I also know that I struggled this month. Thank you for sticking with me, thank you for reading and thank you for letting me make you feel.
Social Distancing as an excuse for my anxiety
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You know that tiktok, the one where you recount how 2020 was great for you because you didn't need to socialize, or meet people?
(If you don't, honestly why)
In some ways, that is me. Social distancing was a necessity at one point, but slowly evolved into an excuse.
You see, I'm not a big fan of people. I have a select few I almost need to touch regularly, a select few I love enough to meet and talk and get out of my house for. Other than that, all I want is to stay away from people, for people to not talk to me, not touch me, not know me.
My therapist said it's trauma -- my past abuse manifesting as an aversion to social interaction, as anxiety about people. It's fair, but it's beyond that.
The more people I let close, the more I hurt -- not always in a bad way, but in a 'I crave your touch and your words but you're unreachable' way.
Social anxiety is a lot of things -- not being able to order food, make doctor's appointments, answer calls, get out of the house on an especially bad day, not making friends, hesitating to count people as friends, clinging to that one person who's your safety belt whenever you're overwhelmed because there's crowds that are touching you and speaking in your ear.
Social distancing was a blessing to my anxiety. My anxiety fed on it, it grew under its disguise, it became a monstrous part of me that dreads wearing a bra and dressing up and often sleeps through alarms on purpose and is running late.
I am always late. I think it's because a part of me doesn't want to go, and it overpowers the part of me that loves to escape the four walls of my house.
I call this rant social distancing as an excuse for my anxiety, when in reality it's a confession. An acknowledgement that I am aware of the anxiety lurking inside me, an acknowledgement that I let it fester and often hide behind it.
Social distancing is anxiety masquerading as necessity, anxiety that fears the relaxation of guidelines, anxiety that has become accustomed to a world where it has an excuse to live.
Social distancing was a necessity, and then a manifestation, and then an excuse. Now, it's probably all three of them.
The question is: which one overshadows the rest?
#prithurants
Self - affirmations for the average homesick living in toxicity
I talked of social distancing and quarantine, I talked of anxiety and touch.
Social distancing led to us enclosed in our houses, and while you can avoid the people outside, how do you avoid the trauma inside? This is me, seeing my home and still feeling homesick.
Here are some self affirmations for your homesick, traumatized self.
i. it's okay to avoid the toxic parts of your house. it's okay to socially distance yourself even if it's only four rooms.
ii. you are not obligated to interact with anyone. family dinnners may be for bonding, but if it's a session with toxic parents and generational trauma, pass on it.
iii. your parents had you. you don't owe them love or respect if all you get is a house that doesn't even try to be a home.
iv. not all families are constant; not all families are blood, or shared names.
v. the blood of the convenant is thicker than the water of the womb.
vi. look at yourself - you’re not the best, maybe, but tou’re a step above your toxic family. you raised yourself well.
vii. read all these in first person. replace the you's with I's because I am writing for your perfect, sorry ass.
viii. if you run out of self affirmations, remember: it’s been 2 years and you've lived. you made it to the almost end of the pandemic, amongst the abuse your house threw at you.
ix. tough love isn't good. tough love dossn’t make you tough. you don't have to look at your parents’ toxicity and label it tough love.
x. it's acceptable to be anxious of your house, if’s acceptable to want to escape. everything you do for yourself is good. everything.
sidenote: you’re doing great, sweetie. I just know it.
Magnus Bane & Alec Lightwood: of evolution and progress (of fanart)
This month’s fanart was hard to choose. But Alec Lightwood being my birthday neighbour (being the 12th to my 11th September) sealed the deal.
1) artist: radisv (Tumblr)
Accompanying playlist: Magnus Bane Supremacy
2) artist: chibi-tsukiko (Tumblr)
ft. the Lightwood-Banes, celebrating daddy Alec’s birthday.
3) It's not all unicorns and rainbows by kate_kate: Magnus and Alec have been married for a few years, have two beautiful children, their lives are busy and cool and satisfying but alas, it's not all unicorns and rainbows, and lack of communication, muted resentments, might appear when things get rough. A love relationship through years reassessing everything during the quarantine. (Ao3)
personal note: I love, love, love comfort quarantine fanart, but this was one of the more realistic descriptions of quarantine, where theres’s conflict and hurt.
4) i was so caught up in the euphoria of your eggplants that for a minute i lived in a world where sexual harassment didn't exist by cuubism:
Dear stranger,
This is from the guy who yelled at you I LIKE YOUR EGGPLANT when you were on your front porch the other day. It occurs to me that you might have taken this comment suggestively and it might have made you uncomfortable. I just wanted to clarify that I was referring to the rather impressive eggplants you’re growing on your porch steps. I was not referring to your cock. I’m sure you have a very nice cock as well but that is not what I was referring to; I was referring to the eggplants. Which were very nice. Thank you. I’m sorry. Thank you.
Magnus (Ao3)
personal note: a little fluff that balanced my covid lonely angst.
It is as Cassandra Clare wrote, “Alec Lightwood loved one man so much he changed the world for him”. Every malec fanart I consume, my world changes too.
Mag Calls (!!)
My top 8 selections for this month’s magazine calls!
This time, I tried to look for thematic connections with you all, rather than genre.
Deadline: October 1
Theme & genre: Last line given on the website; fiction, ending with the last line provided
Paid (!)
Deadline: October 1
Theme & genre: RUINS; fiction, creative non-fiction, essays, poetry; 5000 words maximum
Modest payment (!)
3) Enchanted Conversation: A Fairy Tale Magazine
Deadline: October 3
Theme & genre: Fairy tales, and essays on theme of “Healers, Midwives and Cunning Folk.”
Paid (!)
4) Rattle Ekphrastic Challenge
Deadline: Every month, from beginning to end.
Theme & genre: A new art piece every month to be written on; poetry, prose poetry
Paid (!)
5) Welkin
Deadline: October 31
Theme & genre: Magical realist, fabulist, fairy tale, fantasy, gothic, metafictional, slipstream, fantastic, weird, surrealist, and experimental genres
Paid (!)
Deadline: October 31
Theme & genre: Horror. “It is an anthology where unabashedly queer villains, anti-heroes, and outlaws reign supreme.”
Restrictions: Open to LGBTQ+ writers
Paid (!)
7) Lost Boys Press: Heroes Anthology
Deadline: October 31
Theme & genre: “Write a story using a hero/heroine from any era or culture and the original major plot points from their legends to craft a retelling in an entirely alternate setting.”
(Kinda like fanfiction, you know?)
Paid (!)
8) Journal of Compressed Creative Arts
Deadline: December 15
Theme & genre: No theme, just compressed works; fiction, creative nonfiction, poetry, mixed media, visual arts
Paid (!)
(Websites are linked! Check, check, check and submit, submit, submit!)
It's been tough, but beautiful nonetheless to write this second issue. Curating Mag calls and fanart and baring myself to you (in a more polished manner, at least) was both exciting and emotional.
I'm still bad at conclusions, so I wanna give a shoutout to Aahna Vashistha, Sonal Sharma, Anushka Bidani and Nandini Gautam for their feedback and emotional responses.
Special shoutout to you, my amazing loving paid subscribers — thank you for your faith in me, I love you a little special.
I'm always in need of validation and your love gives me that. So tell me what you feel, tell me your social distancing shenanigans!
Love,
Prithuwu.